Twelve Angry Potatoes: A Play in Three Acts

Act 1

(The scene opens up onto a group of police spuds gathered around a body that has been skinned and deposited on the steps of city hall. Inspector Russet paces back and forth in front of the body, visibly upset.)

Russet: This is the sixth body this week! How is it possible that this guy can dump bodies on our freaking doorstep and YOU yahoos don't even notice?

(Silence from the other officers)

Officer Idaho: Who could do such a thing? I mean, skinned alive like that... it's just creepy...

Russet: All right. Idaho, Yukon, you two get down to the Dairy gang hideout and "pick up" our friend, Cream. See if he's ready to roll on Don Lactose yet. Burbank, call the guys at the lab to come clean this up.

Idaho, Yukon, and Burbank: Yes sir.

(All exit.)




Act 2

(At the hideout of the Dairy Gang. Don Lactose is interrogating one of his toughs.)

Don: After everything I've done for you, Cream. This is how you repay me. I gave you everything. I gave you the best of myself and sent you into the world and here you come back, ready to turn me in to the cops? And for what, something that I have no knowledge of? Our relationship has soured, Cream. You've broken my heart, and I can never forgive you for this. Butter, Margarine, show him out.

(Don nods to his men, who grab Cream by the arms and exit. Offstage, the sound of an electric stand mixer can be heard.)



Act 3

(Several days later, outside city hall.)

Sgt. Pepper: This is it, Garlic. Your reign of terror has finally come to a clove, err.. close.

Garlic: Hahaha! You'll never stop me! As long as even one of my children survive, you'll never erase my stench from the air. This is my town! My town, I tell you!

Captain Salt: That's enough, Garlic. It's the press for you, you and your deranged minions!

(Salt and Pepper usher the group into the building as pieces of skin and paper fly off in the breeze. Fade to black.)



Ahem. Someone has too much free time.

And now back to your regularly scheduled recipe!

Garlic Mashed Potatoes

5-6 medium potatoes
1 stick butter
1 cup sour cream
1-3 cloves garlic
*salt
*pepper
*milk

Peel and dice the potatoes, and rinse in cold water. Boil in salted water for about an hour, give or take. Yes, an hour. I promise! It makes all the difference. In fact, I normally start making the rest of dinner at this point, so if it goes a little longer like it sometimes does for me, it's no big deal. Drain the potatoes and remove them to your stand mixer. Cut up the butter into the mixer before turning it on. Once the butter has started to melt, turn the mixer on high for about two minutes. Once there are no visible lumps, add in the sour cream and mix for another two minutes. Dice the garlic, or use a garlic press (my preferred method for this application) and add to the potatoes, as well as salt and pepper to taste. If they look a little thick, add milk a few tablespoons at a time. That's it! Yay potatoes!

SO easy bread and rolls!

I debated for a while about which recipe to start this blog with. I wanted it to be something simple, something fast, and something that everyone needs to have in their repertoire. After perusing my freezer for inspiration, I stumbled across these delicious rolls.

I remember growing up that rolls were always a part of family dinners. The wonderful, warm yeasty scent coming from the oven drew us irresistibly to the table, where we would all pretend to listen to each other talk about our day. In reality, we were all trying to get the last roll!

...and who wouldn't want a piece of this golden, buttery goodnesss?

So the best part about this recipe is that it's ridiculously large. You wouldn't necessarily think that's a plus until you realize how easy and fast it is, and how well the leftover dough can be frozen and saved for another day.

However, if you're just not ready to get up to your elbows in flour (or you just don't have that much laying around at the moment!) it's a cinch to cut in half.

Once the dough has rested and is ready to be portioned out and baked, all you have to do for perfect frozen rolls is place them on a flat, floured surface in the freezer. Once they're solid, just scoop them all up in a bag and portion out as you see fit. When thawing the rolls let them sit on a flat, floured surface for about an hour until they're soft all the way through; it's okay if they're still a little cold. Once thawed, bake as normal.

see how lovingly my KitcheAid watches over her babies?

**One note: I normally don't recommend using different kinds of flour interchangeably, but for this particular recipe bread flour and all-purpose flour work equally well.

Super Easy Bread

10 cups flour
3/4 cup sugar or 1/2 cup honey
1 cup vegetable oil
6 tablespoons yeast
3 eggs (if halving, use 1 egg and 1 egg white)
1 tablespoon salt
4 cups hot water

Mix sugar or honey, oil, yeast and water until the sugar and yeast are completely dissolved. Add eggs, and then mix in the dry ingredients a bit at a time. Once all the flour has been incorporated, allow it to rest for 15 minutes. Knead for 5 minutes and then shape into bread or rolls (if you're not sure how to do this, an upcoming post will explain in greater detail) and placed into a greased pan or baking dish. Bake at 350 degrees until golden brown, about 1 hour for bread, or 30 minutes for rolls, depending on your oven. Brush with butter and enjoy!